September.

Back to school.

My first experience with school was when I was five. There was no kindergarten where we lived, and so my mom, being my mom and the mother of seven children, pushed to have me put in grade one.

As a result, I found myself on a hard, cold seat in a strange room. Large letters and numbers hung above giant blackboards that had remnants of chalk dust clinging to them, and a group of kids I didn’t know filled the room. The teacher was a tall, imposing woman clearly unimpressed to have me foisted into her class.

I have always been an introvert but was also extremely shy in those days. Quietly I soaked it all in, wide-eyed, stomach churning, throat constricted and dry, with my hands dutifully clasped on the wooden desktop. Fortunately, I had made one little friend in the schoolyard who was outgoing, friendly, and kind.

The teacher instructed everyone to take out our blue exercise books and fat pencils. I didn’t have any. My new friend spoke up for me but the teacher abruptly told her to mind her own business. Her annoyed eyes locked with mine as she stood with her arms crossed. Every muscle in my body was taut with fear, my jaw clenched, and my mind swirled in confusion. I didn’t know what to do and talking to strange adults was something I never did, even for candy!

And so I sat, rigid, as the lessons buzzed around me, lost, rejected and feeling like an isolated island – set up to fail.

Later in the schoolyard with my new friend, I learned a little song you may have heard as a child if you’re as old as me.

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I’m going to the garden to eat some worms,

Big fat juicy ones, long slim slimy ones, itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny worms.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the lyrics, you get the gist. The words of that song resonated through my crushed, confused heart and mind – rejection, not good enough, unwanted, and didn’t belong.

I carried these emotions and thoughts with me all my life and they affected how I dealt with people, decisions, work, school, and life.

Inside we are all still little girls in the schoolyard, wanting to be accepted, liked and belong just for who we are, unconditionally. Those feelings and hurtful words follow us, affecting every word we speak, every response and every choice made in our lives.

As we grow into womanhood, we learn ways to manipulate, control or please others in order to get that acceptance, approval and sense of belonging. After all, we deserve it, right?

But at the root of those hurts is the desire to be glorified above all else, to be number one, to be the queen, to be God. Because even as Christian women who profess to follow Jesus and love Him, we stumble and fall. It happens when we don’t recognize, admit and deal with this sinful desire at our core.

It began in the Garden of Eden with our ancestors, Adam and Eve. Eve believed the whispered lie of the serpent, that God was holding out on her, and didn’t desire her best. Why couldn’t she be like God? Why shouldn’t she sit on the throne and be adored? And then she demanded that of her husband, and he caved because he also desired to be on the throne.

All of us have inherited that sin, Sister. NO ONE is exempt.

That slithering serpent continues to whisper the lie in our ears and hearts every day, every chance we give him. The problem is- it comes disguised in such pretty and harmless packages:

motherhood,

relationships,

work,

Church,

the Joneses and their stuff!

They are not bad things until they become THE thing. The thing that becomes bigger than God; becomes our god. The one thing that will give us the desire of our sinful heart; the throne, the glory and the adoration that belong only to God. Because He is the only one who can handle it. He is the only one who is worthy of it. Not us. And if we honestly search our hearts, with the help of the Holy Spirit, we know this.

Are you feeling any of that schoolyard angst today? Is there something that has gained too much importance in your heart? Is your identity tied up in the wrong person, place, or thing? Do you feel like you are eating worms in the garden of life? Take it to the Lord and let the Holy Spirit help you dig that lie out and expose it for what it is. He is faithful to do it!

When we do, we find freedom, peace and joy in Him. It isn’t easy or pretty, but oh so worth it!

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV

Keep up the good fight, Sisters! We are not meant to live in a garden of worms and despair, but a garden of beauty, light and immense love. Let’s fight for a new tune and a new mindset. We still have to live in the schoolyard, but we don’t have to dwell in the angst.

You are loved!

Be well!

Patricia