It was a small thing, a silly thing. My husband had turned on a football game. He was going to be watching another football game later with my son and grandson as well. Now I really enjoy watching football, sometimes. However he didn’t ask if I wanted to watch it or if I wanted to watch or do something else. I was sitting on the couch with him, trying to catch up on my bible reading, but I can’t focus on reading when there is other noise. Silently, in my heart, I was annoyed he didn’t care or bother to consider my wants or needs.
I left the room without saying anything and went upstairs to my office to finish reading. I thought I had this. I was going to be the bigger person, a good Christian wife, and just do something else.
The problem was my heart and thoughts didn’t agree. My sinful human heart didn’t want to do something else, I was tired and wanted to use the television to vegetate. I wanted my way! That same sinful heart, however, was also too proud to say so. HE should have asked! HE should have seen that I was trying to read!
As I sat upstairs doing other productive things, that were long overdue, my sinful heart stewed and fed on it’s pride and self-righteous attitude. Deep down I knew it was wrong, my heart was wrong, my attitude was wrong, but I didn’t want to let go. I kept saying to the Lord, “Yeah but….yeah but.. ..yeah but.”
I decided to go for a walk alone, even though it was threatening rain (which normally was an excuse NOT to go.) On with the running shoes and off I huffed like a spoiled child.
I tried talking to God and knew He was present but I also knew He saw my unforgiving heart and I felt the invisible wall between us. I knew I had to let go and forgive or God couldn’t forgive me and remove that barrier.
“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15 NIV
Knowing what you need to do is easier than actually doing it!
When it came down to letting go and forgiving, it wasn’t out of love for my husband that I wanted to do it, even though I do, it wasn’t because it was the right thing to do, it was because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my relationship with my BFF; my Lord, my Saviour, the Lover of my soul, my King, my Counselor and constant Companion! My pride wasn’t worth it, my desire for vengeance wasn’t worth it, NOTHING is worth it!
It took a while, because pride has sharp claws that go deep and leaves the lingering toxin of unforgiveness and desire for revenge. And just like any other poison, if you don’t take the antidote, it will eventually kill you slowly from the inside out.
There was always an excuse as to why it wasn’t the right moment. Our son was there, I had to clean up, we were watching a show, I had to brush my teeth, he was reading his book, I was journaling and just when I decided I absolutely had to do it….he was asleep. Sigh…reprieve! Yet the verse, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” kept running through my mind. “Well,” I told the Lord, “I’m not angry with him anymore. He just doesn’t know it. I will do it in the morning.” He seemed to accept that sorry excuse since I was able to sleep. But it had to be done!
When I finally did apologize, the next morning, and ask for my husband’s forgiveness, I felt such a weight lift off of my heart. I knew that invisible barrier was gone between me and my Lord and quickly went to enter that wonderful union, once again, with my Light, my Saviour and my Stronghold! Psalm 27
“For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:12
Oh dear friends, I am so grateful for the cross of Calvary where Jesus died for me and carried all my heavy burdens of sin! The weight He bore of all our sins is unimaginable! Only God could do it and He did, willingly! Our part in it is to give those sins over, let them go and seek His forgiving grace!
“God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:21
Alleluia and amen!