That is the time my watch blinks out in the dark, when I finally crack open one eye in defeat and give up trying to get back to sleep.
I have tossed and turned for an hour battling racing, anxious thoughts about the future and the past, with prayer and memorized verses. Knowing, from experience, the only answer is to get up, I fumble in the dark for the warmth of my fuzzy, soft, pink housecoat. I try to quietly slip out of the bedroom and not wake my husband, who is softly snoring, in the warm bed I have just vacated. I stumble blearily down the hall to the bathroom, getting blinded by the bright light and then slip into my office.
This is my sanctuary, the place where I meet with God every morning, the place I run to when life overwhelms. Sometimes it’s to go over verses or read His Word or like this night to pour out my feelings, thoughts, doubts and fears, about my weaknesses and failures. There is a different kind of comfort that comes, as the ink flows through my pen writing all these things across the smooth, lined paper of my journal. It is a prayer of a different sort. A heartfelt, honest conversation with my Lord, seeking His comfort and wisdom.
I am such a failure and so weak, I cry! Perhaps my faith is too small? I don’t know how to balance it all! To do it all! To be enough! Why did you choose such a one as I?
And so, once again, I go to His Word for answers and look up chosen/choose.
I find in 1 Corinthians 1:27-29 that the apostle Paul tells me,
God chose me and you, weak and broken “jars of clay”, so that His glory and light may shine and all who see us would know it is God who strengthens us.
In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 the apostle Paul tells us what the Lord replied to him when Paul asked three times for the “thorn in his flesh” to be removed. The Lord’s answer to this faithful, mighty warrior was this;
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
and Paul went on to declare the following;
“Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
The Lord did not remove Paul’s weaknesses or troubles. He did not speak them away even though he could have. He simply asked Paul to trust in Christ’s sufficiency and power for His sake!
HIS power! HIS glory!
I can not live this life in my own strength and expect to win, because the battles I fight are really not about me or my glory. All of life, mine, yours and all humanity is about glorifying God. Why? Because of who He is. The battles against me and my struggles are all about Satan wanting to steal God’s rightful glory for himself.
And so when I am weak and cry out to Jesus, then I am made strong through the power of the Spirit.
When I fail and turn to Jesus for forgiveness, then I am able to rise up and go on in the strength of the Spirit.
In the times where I don’t know how or what to do and turn to Jesus, then I am guided and encouraged by the Word and the comfort of the Spirit.
I was not chosen to follow Christ because I was strong or wise or beautiful or powerful or smart or for any other reason than to glorify God!
I love the encouragement I also find in Isaiah 41:9-10 NIV;
“I took you from the ends of the earth, from it farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Lord Jesus, help me to remember, that by your imputed righteousness, I AM A RIGHTEOUS, HOLY DAUGHTER in the eyes of the Father! You have implanted your Word and your Holy Spirit in me and He is responsible for helping me to change my thoughts and behaviour. I only need to seek His guidance and follow His leading. Help me to put off negative thoughts and lies and tell myself these truths.
You are loved dear hearts! Even when you are weak and fail. Even when you feel you are less than and insignificant. Because Christ is sufficient for it all and you are His and He is yours!